I was diagnosed in July 2007 and given just 24-36 months life expectancy. I left the doctor's office that day without any information on where i could turn to for help and it would be a long eighteen month battle to get health professionals to really talk about my illness. Every question i asked was met with "everybody is different". What they meant was each case of MND is individual and will develop in it's own way, but what they forgot was that every patient needs to know what they have to face and the battle to get some answers stops you from being able to plan for what you have to face in the future. Worst for me was that only six weeks after my diagnosis, when i was still coming to terms with what had happened to me, members of my family couldn't cope with the illness, they didn't want to know anything about it and i was left to get on with it. I have tried in every way to get on with it but we are only a small family and it broke my heart. To this day if i think about it , it reduces me to floods of tears. When i think of when i needed those people the most, they could only think of themselves. I had to leave my lovely cottage home, my home with a beautiful view of all of the Bay of Colwyn, far reaching views towards Rhos-on-sea and Llandudno. I moved to a small council provided bungalow in April 2008, which required adaptations for by this time i could no longer walk. At the time of my diagnosis i could just about walk with a stick, now, 21 months later i am in an electric wheelchair, unable to walk, i can no longer sit up without some support as my back is curved and i need that support to retain some degree of comfort, my right hand is withered, not much use left in it...every day is a struggle...every day is a challenge...this is a nasty,sneaky illness which shows no mercy, you never know whats going to happen to you next...nerve endings disconnect from the muscles and slowly your muscles give up...leaving your limbs useless. My MND has given me breathing difficulties which means i have to have assisted breathing overnight. I have to use a CPAP machine, wearing a hard plastic full face mask in bed to help my body get rid of the poisons i cannot get rid of because i cannot breathe deeply enough to expel the carbon dioxide from my lungs, i dont get much sleep..what with the mask and my back i cannot get comfortable as i have to lie in one position..semi sitting as i can turn neither left nor right...i spend most of my days exhausted. MND is terrible for anybody, bad enough for a man, but for a woman it takes away everything from you, such a struggle to do the simplest things, everyday things a woman likes to do for herself. I battle on every day my left hand supporting my right, desperately trying to apply some make up...to brush my hair..to keep some of me without feeling i am losing who i was. I feel that i have to, against all odds, to try to keep a piece of me. People have asked me what is wrong with me and then, when i explain they quote Stephen Hawkins and think that you have years ahead of you. This is not so, Stephen Hawkins is a unique case, for most people who are diagnosed have,at best,about 5 years to live. People dont seem to want to know anout MND,even though it has been around for 120 years, it still can make you feel abandoned. I sometimes compare this with other illnesses,illnesses in which you the patient are embraced from the beginning,they are talked to,their treatment is explained and discussed every step of the way. Some people have hope of a cure,some of them are not so lucky but the different way they are treaded makes ALL the difference to them,but people with MND can feel left out. For so long this has frustrated me. For all the sures,even now with stem cell research,MND i feel , will always be back of the queue,patients left to live in fear,not knowing what is going to happen next, but now,twenty one months after diagnosis, im starting to get the answers ive been trying for, but its scary..like having another diagnosis,though at last im starting to feel that the people who are helping me really care. We are only a small family as i said, but luckily i still have members of my family who do care. In the beginning i just wanted to go away to Switzerland, assisted suicide, but even though i try to have the courage to go along with this illness..i cant find the courage to expect a loved one to go there with me. Its not like packing your case to go on holiday, for that someone who is dear to me , and would be willing to do that for me, i could not expect them to go all that way for me to end it all, i couldnt bear the thought of that person having to travel back totally alone, upset, not knowing if there was any trouble to face on their return to the UK. I really believe that if there is still no cure for MND, for all the hundreds of people who would want to die because of the terrible suffering they are going through, i really believe you should be able to die with dignity in your own country...and i hope that in years to come that will be every persons right. Despite all my fears, all the upset i have gone through, i have been blessed to have people who care around me and i have three wonderful grandchildren, the youngest nine months old, one simple smile from him means everything, he is my little ray of sunshine, he will be 1yr old in August..i just hope i can enjoy his first birthday. I would like to try, before i go, to make some awareness of this terrible disease, there is the Motor Neurone Disease Association which strives hard to raise awareness, fund research and support sufferers and their carers but i would like to try and do my own little bit also.